For better communication

Alternatives to collaborative problem solving

There are four alternatives to collaborative problem solving : denial, avoidance, capitulation, and domination. Firstly denial should be used when conflicts are so stressful that some people want to deny the existence of problems. People who use this tactic tend to think that it can maintain peace. Second one is avoidance. This is similar one to the denial. Most people are apt to avoid facing conflict as long as possible. Paradoxically, they use avoidance to keep a healthy relationship. But if people use the avoidance for a long time it can cause many negative effects. Third one is capitulation. Capitulation is to just give in without disagreement. This tactic is used often in parenting. When parents don’t want to go through conflict with their child, they let their child do as they wish. This  might make their child have submissive behavior . Last one is domination. Domination is opposite of the capitulation. Different from the capitulation, domination is to impose one’s own solution on the other person. The majority of parents use the domination since they are older and have more knowledge that their children. This way might cause many negative effects such as sabotage, pilferage, and passive resistance. If we use these tactics above, there is good chance each of parties lose something. If this situation continue to happen, it will be harmful for the relationship.

Six steps of problem solving method

There are six steps of the collaborative problem- solving method. First step is to define the problem in terms of needs, not solutions. When conflict happens, most people tend to focus on the solution not needs. Defining problem is the first priority when it comes to resolving the conflict. To define the problem effectively, it is necessary to assert one’s own needs and listen reflectively. Second step is to brainstorm possible solution. Brainstorming is going through the problem without thinking deeply or evaluation. When we brainstorm, we should focus on quantity not quality by not evaluating, not clarifying, and going for zany ideas. Third step is to select the solution that will best meet both parties needs. Through this step we should clarify some solutions which are adequate and select the proper solutions.  This step help us have mutually desirable solution and foresee the possible consequences. Fourth step is to plan who will do what, where and by when. When people arrive at a decision , they tend to get excited prematurely. But without implementation, solution means nothing. Thus the parties need to decide who will do what, where and by when specifically. Fifth steps is to implement the plan. After we finish the discussion part during the first four steps, we should do our part of the agreed-upon action steps. To give a faith to the other parties, we should finish our part in time. Final step is to evaluate the problem-solving process and at a later date, how well the solution turned out. After the fifth step, it is beneficial to take a few minutes to discuss how the process went. We can evaluate our process we decided like how each of us feels in general about the process we just went through or what each liked most about the process. Through this step we can see how well the solution is working for us.

Also we should be careful to avoid the common traps in the process by not handling the emotions first, not defining the problem properly , evaluating or clarifying during brainstorming and not working out the nitty-gritty details. When we have a conflict, we shouldn’t be emotional and the emotions need to be brought into normal range. And numerous people are inclined to interrupt while they brianstorm. If we keep doing this, it is hard for the other people say their opinions freely.

Three essentials for communication

In chapter 15 three essentials for effective communication are mainly mentioned. Since skills are not everything in communication, we should keep three things in mind. First one is genuineness. It is crucial to be genuine if we want to have authentic relationship. There are three key ingredients to have genuineness. First one is self-awareness. It is advantageous to increase the degree of our self awareness referring to socratic injunction “know theyself”. Second one is self- acceptance. Most people are apt to be ashamed of their feelings. If we train the communication skills, we are able to be honest to our feelings. Lastly there is self- expression. it is necessary to express their feelings if they want to be a genuine person.

The second essential thing for effective communication is non possessive love. There are two important things in love. First one is acceptance. Acceptance can be explained as an attitude of neutrality toward another people, Since no one is perfect , each has failed to fulfill his responsibilities or has done something that affects others. The other one is respect. Real love is not intrusive. If we love someone truly, we shouldn’t invade the other’s territory and respect his privacy. Therefore we should respect the other person by not trepassing on the secret places of another’s life. The last key quality is empathy. Empathy can enrich interpersonal communication. There are three components of empathy. Firstly, empathic person is good at reflecting feelings when they have conversation and has a sensitive and accurate understanding of the other person’s feelings. Secondly, empathy means understanding the situation that contributed to or triggered those feelings. Lastly, empathic person is apt to make constructive change in others and also show the positive path. And empathic person can widen his horizon by having a contact with others.

How to apply skills which we learned

There are four steps to improved communication. First one is a quantified commitment to use the skills. Since there are many skills regarding communication, it is beneficial for us to pin ourselves down to a specific number of uses. If we do this, it is easier for us to use the skills when we communicate with others. Second one is to select appropriate situation. Before we use the skills, we should choose an appropriate situations. We should start utilize the skills in proper situation not in difficult one. Third one is to be undaunted by occasional failure. Obviously, we might experience failure or the skills don’t work well for us even if we use the skills. But we shouldn’t be frustrated by it and should figure out what went wrong and learn lesson from the failure. Last one is to prepare others for the change. After learning communication skills through this book, some people try to keep them secret. But it is beneficial for us to talk about these skills to people whom you are likely to be using the skills. If we do that we can prepare others for these skills and easy to resolve problems on a win/win basis.